Bit the Bullet

I did it! I bit the bullet and joined a gym. I've been saying for years that I was going to do it, but never actually did it. Yesterday, I decided it was time. As of yesterday, I was officially down 85 pounds. Yay! Things are finally headed back in the right direction! So, I gathered up my nerve, went into Crunch Fitness in Rocklin, told the lady at the front desk that I was thinking of joining and asked for a tour. It was amazing how difficult that was for me! My heart was pounding. I don't know why it was such a big deal, but it was really hard for me. I was taken on a tour and decided to join! I signed up for a year in advance and got three personal training sessions. I went with the Peak membership because you need that one to take any classes and I really want to try out the TRX class...eventually. I don't think I'm quite ready for it yet, but it looks really cool! I jokingly told some friends that I was going to do Zumba, which is a huge joke because I have absolutely zero rhythm. Seriously, I consider myself fairly musical. I play several instruments. I sing. Heck, my major in college was music education with a vocal emphasis. Yet, when it comes to moving my body to a beat...I may as well be deaf. I take that back. Deaf people probably dance better than I do because they can feel the beat. I don't even know how to describe it. I'll start "dancing" and I can literally feel that I am totally off beat. I hear the music. I feel the music. My body moves...and it certainly isn't to any beat that is actually playing. It's horrifying! Peak membership also means I get to bring a guest with me any time I go. So, my husband can go with me some days, my mom can go with me, my sister can go with me. I know she loves Zumba! She, somehow, got all of the rhythm in the family. I bet she rocks at Zumba. Not that I really need someone there with me all the time, but it will be nice to have some support. 

I decided to go for the personal training sessions because it's been quite a while since I've been in a gym! I used to work at a 24 Hour Fitness in the childcare area and had a couple of friends who were personal trainers, so they always helped me when I wasn't sure how to use a piece of equipment or if I was using proper form. However, I've since forgotten all of that stuff and want to make sure that I'm doing it right. The lady who gave me a tour is actually a personal trainer and she seemed very nice, so I asked if she would be my trainer. I have two appointments set up with her next week! She said that the first appointment won't count towards the three sessions that I purchased, that it will be more of a "get to know you" meeting, where we'll go over my goals, my limitations, my expectations, etc. She said that in the three actual sessions, she'll take me through all of the machines, show me how to use them, give me tips on proper form, etc. Next Wednesday is the informational meeting, then Friday we start with all of the ab machines. Yikes!

So, wish me luck! I suppose I should buy a pair of tennis shoes. Flip flops aren't quite gym material, right?

Pretty Much Sums it up!

This picture pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now. I want to join a gym. I want to take a spin class. I want to take a kick boxing class. What is keeping me from doing so? It's being the fattest person at the gym. It's the thought that people will look at me and wonder, "What is she doing here?" or "Yeah, I give her two weeks," or "She sounds like a herd of elephants are running on that treadmill!" I am so incredibly self conscious about my body. I can tell myself all I want that no one cares, that no one is looking, that I'm more important to people in my head than I am in real life. I can repeat that over and over again, yet still, I'm horribly self conscious. I'm trying to gather up the nerve to just do it...forget what anyone else thinks. Every journey has to start somewhere, right? I'm already half way to my goal. My journey didn't just start. I should be proud of how far I've come and use that to bolster my self confidence. Screw what anyone else thinks, right?

Still...it's so hard.

Wow...why do I care if it's so hard? Wasn't being 309 pounds hard? Wasn't losing 84 pounds in less than six months hard? Isn't keeping at it and continuing to lose now hard? Doing the easy thing was what got me to where I was in the first place! Doing the easy thing is what kept me from being the mom I needed to be. Doing the easy thing was what was going to kill me at an early age. Forget doing the easy thing...I'm going for the hard!

Why is this so hard?!?!!?!?

I had been SO good. I was losing SO much. It was SO easy. Now, I just can't stop snacking. I just can't stop eating. I just can't start cleansing. I don't know what's going on with me. I just can't get back in the swing of things. Honestly, it was SO easy before, now I'm just not doing it. I keep telling myself, "You just have to do it. It's not that hard. You just have to do it. Eat the good, don't eat the bad. Eat when you're supposed to, don't eat when you're not." How difficult can that be?!?!?!?! For some reason, it's pretty dang hard! I just don't know what to think. I've tried taking it one day at a time. Breakfast shake? Check! Morning snack? Check! Lunch? Check! Ummm, let's have a cookie. CRAP! Hmmmm, Hershey kisses sound good. DANG IT! Dinner shake? CHECK! Yum, dinner smells delicious. WHY DID I EAT THAT?!?!?!? Cheese and crackers sound SO good. PUT IT DOWN!!!! I have the best intentions, but keep eating things I'm not supposed to and eating when I'm not supposed to. Why can't I just say no? It was SO easy before.

Perhaps, I need to go one meal at a time. Every morning I tell myself, "I'm going to eat clean today. NO cheating! I can't remember exactly the last day I actually did it. It was definitely before Christmas. Yes, it's been that long. How hard can this be? Tomorrow I'm going to tell myself, "I'm only having a shake for breakfast. Then, "I'm only having a healthy snack." Then, "I'm having a clean lunch." Maybe day by day is too much.  Maybe I just need to go meal by meal. SOMETHING needs to change because I'm STILL up from before Christmas! This is NOT good!

I'm trying to decide what I really want to do, exercise wise. I LOVE kettlebells, but feel like I need something more. It would probably help if I used them consistently. I'm thinking of joining a gym. I feel like if I actually GO somewhere to work out, I'll be more likely to actually do it. However, I can't honestly tell myself that I'm actually going to go. My arm is getting better, so that's good. Here's a recent picture of it. Fair warning: it's kinda gross. It actually looks considerably better than it did before. Even better, it FEELS considerably better than it did before. I can finally type, carry things that weigh less than a pound, write, and other small things like that. So, that's good!

I'm sure you can see why exercising has been pretty much out of the question this week. It's healing, though, and I'm hoping to be completely healed in a couple of weeks. The stitches will hopefully be coming out on Monday!

Once a month...REALLY?!?!!?

I'm not going to start this post with, "It's been FOREVER since I last posted..." Well, I guess I kinda did, huh? I wish I was better at blogging. I would love to be one of those people that blog regularly and get all kinds of followers or whatnot. You'll have to settle for every once in a while, I guess. lol

So, the holiday season has come and gone. I decided not to worry about my weight over Christmas break. I'm not going to be restricting myself my entire life, so I figured I shouldn't do it right now. lol I had several Christmas dinners, Christmas breakfast, Christmas leftovers, etc. I did gain some weight. It's now the 8th of January and I'm almost back to where I was before Christmas. It took longer than I had hoped to get the Christmas weight off, but it's slowly getting there.

You know how you always want to do something when you know you can't, even if you don't want to when you can? For me, it's exercise. I always "want" to exercise on cleanse days when you're not really supposed to. Well, I had an accident recently that has left my right arm pretty much out of commission, so of course, my mind is screaming, "I would TOTALLY exercise if my arm wasn't hurt!" lol Yet, if my arm wasn't hurt, you know I still wouldn't be exercising! I'm so terrible about that. I did kettlebell routines every other day for like a week...yeah, that means three times. lol I was pretty darn proud of myself. However, right now, if my arm wasn't hurt, I would TOTALLY exercise! ;) Even cardio hurts my arm. I DID try! I got on my elliptical and holding onto the machine and/or pumping my arm hurts. I have been walking a bit, but that's about it.

I do have some BIG news! I signed up for the Isabody Challenge! December 31st was my official start date (I figured lots of people would be entering on the 1st, so I thought I'd be different and start BEFORE the new year. lol I'm down 7 pounds since the 31st, so I think I'm off to a pretty good start (pretty sad that down 7 pounds still doesn't put me back to where I was before Christmas, but whatever. lol) Unfortunately, that meant I had to take ANOTHER picture of myself. I'm not a huge fan of pictures of myself. It did, however, give me the opportunity to compare the new pictures to the older pictures I have of myself. I have to say, I'm pretty darn proud of myself! I'm not going to post the full pictures (because who really wants to see me in a sports bra and shorts? I'll spare you that image burned into your retinas for the rest of your life), but I will post face shots of day one, one month in, and six months in (which was the start of my Isabody Challenge!)  In the last picture, I was going for the "I look sick and sad and tired and fat" before look. I couldn't stop laughing. lol

My goal for the Isabody challenge is 80 pounds. I have six months to do this. I feel it's a VERY lofty goal, seeing as I only lost that much my first six months, but I really AM going to exercise this six months, so hopefully that will help. lol This will put me almost at goal weight and I will hopefully be at goal weight by Celebration in August of 2013!

Holy cow, I can't believe that! Seriously...goal weight?!?!?!? How did I come this far already? How am I going to get this far once again to make it to goal weight? I'm almost half way there. I still have over half way to go. I have all of these thoughts running through my mind. Many are positive. I'm getting better at that. Many are pretty self defeating. However, things are going in the right direction. For the most part, when I think, "I can't do this" thoughts, I can replace them with, "Look at what you've done! You're awesome!" thoughts. lol I'm hoping to get rid of the negative thoughts entirely! :)

Okay, I really need to get my butt in gear and win this thing!

Christmas is getting closer

Tomorrow I'm starting 2 weeks of all shake days. I'm going to do my best to hit my goal, no matter how unrealistic it seems at the moment! Christmas is only 19 days away and I'm 17 pounds away from my 100 pound goal. :( I have a strong suspicion I'm not going to make it, but I'm okay with that. It was a pretty lofty goal! We'll see where I'm at after the two weeks of shakes and go from there. I don't recommend all shake days normally, but I am making sure to have between three and five shakes a day, extra Omegas and the IsaFruits and Isagreens and cleansing nightly so that I'm keeping my body guessing and still getting the nutrients that I need.

I'm down three pounds from last Thursday! I'm pretty thrilled with that! This month, the word of the day is cardio! Cardio, cardio, cardio! I really need to find my shoes so I can get going with that. lol I don't normally wear shoes. I'm more of a flip flop or heels kind of gal (polar opposites, I know!). So, I only wear tennis shoes in the winter. The problem with that is that I can never find my shoes come winter time. I always put them in the same place, but I think certain little girls, who shall rename nameless, play with my shoes when I'm not looking, and eventually at least one tennis shoe goes missing (I'm always finding my heels in their closet!) So, lately, I've only been able to get out and walk a bit...in flip flops...in the rain. I also fall a lot. lol

So anyways, that's what's up with me in the world of Isagenix!

Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving has come and gone. I have so much to be thankful for. I'm so very thankful for my family and the love and support they have always given me. I'm thankful for my children for all of the joy they bring to my life. I'm thankful for my husband who works so hard to provide for our family and who is my best friend, no matter how crazy I go on him. 

As silly as it may seem compared to the huge blessings I have in my life, I'm thankful for Isagenix. I'm thankful for the opportunity to get my life back. I'm thankful for the ability to actively participate in my life as well as the lives of my children. I'm thankful for my health, which is so much better than it was just five months ago.

Thanksgiving, of course, means huge dinners with all things bad for me. lol I'm not about depriving myself. I want to make sure that my lifestyle is sustainable. I'm not going to not eat Thanksgiving dinner for the rest of my life, so I didn't forego it this year, either. I had two Thanksgiving meals! Yikes! I had far too much stuffing and far too much dessert. It was delicious! Granted, I gained 8 pounds!!! EEK! I'm sure it was mainly water weight due to far too much sodium. I'm cleansing tomorrow and the next day, so it will probably go away with that. If not, that's okay. It will go away the next week. I'm a little concerned about my 100 pounds by Christmas goal, but I think I can still make it if I ramp up the exercise. (You know...actually do some, rather than none. lol)

I hope you all had an amazing Thanksgiving filled with love, happiness and pumpkin pie!

Holy cow, why has it been so long?

Oh man, I've totally been slacking on this blog! Things are still going really well! The weight loss has slowed, but that's my own fault, as I've been snacking when I shouldn't and just plain eating bad things for me at times. (Dang Halloween candy!) However, I'm still feeling great, sleeping amazingly well and have a ton more energy than ever before!

About a week and a half ago, I spoke at an Isagenix Super Saturday event. I was SO incredibly nervous. I am NOT a public speaker, that's for sure. I get nervous, I start to shake, I speak way too quickly and I forget everything I'm going to say. They say it gets easier the more you do it, but I'm just not one to put myself out there enough to do it enough for it to get easier. lol Still, as part of "finding me," I decided that it was something that I needed to do. So, I did it! It went better than expected, but not as well as I had hoped. I had hoped that I would be calm, confident, and that I would inspire the audience. I believe that I may have accomplished at least one of those. Thankfully, it was the one that I was hoping for the most. I got a really positive response from the audience. Several were in tears. I was told that it was the most moving testimonial they had ever heard. I felt really good about the things that I said and the response that I got. My biggest concern was that I wasn't going to "fit in" with the other amazing speakers of the night. We had some really big names speaking. Michael Clouse, who is an expert network marketer and incredible speaker; Dr. Ted Brooks, who helped design the nine day system and the Isagenix compensation plan; and Craig Coleman, the 2012 Isabody Challenge winner. Those were some pretty big names surrounding little insignificant me, but I think I held my own. :)

From left to right: Amber (my incredible sponsor and the person who put the event together), Michael Clouse, Dr. Ted Brooks, Joyce Brooks, Craig Coleman, Me

I have mixed feelings about this picture. I'm glad it was taken. It was a great event and it was an opportunity for me to get out of my comfort zone and grow as a person. The people in this picture are incredible and I'm so blessed to be associated with them. However, while it should be a visual of how far I have come, all I see in it is how far I have to go. It's hard to be the heaviest person in the room. It's hard to get up there and tell everyone that if they aren't using Isagenix, they should be, because it will help them get healthy, when you're still so fat. It's hard to feel so great about what you have accomplished, then see a picture of yourself, because even after losing 71 pounds (as of that picture), you still look like you're just getting started. Sadly, this picture doesn't make me think, "Wow, I've lost 71 pounds!" Instead it makes me think, "Wow, I still need to lose 90 pounds." It's really overwhelming at times. I should be thinking, "I've done this in four months! Just six more and I could be where I want to be!" Instead I'm thinking, "I still have so far to go. I don't see how this is even possible."

I know I need to change the stories in my head. I need to be more positive. I need to tell myself that I can do anything and that my weight has no power over me. I need to tell myself that I am strong and I am determined and nothing can stop me. I KNOW these things. I just can't feel them right now. I've spent the last 14 years of my life beating myself up over my weight, telling myself that I'm not good enough.

All right, stop the presses! I seriously just had my first "aha!" moment EVER! I don't usually think about what I'm going to type before I type it. I don't usually have a plan of what I want to say. As I type, the words just flow and that is what comes out on this blog. So, I was typing just before this paragraph and typed, "telling myself that people couldn't see passed my weight to the real me, when in reality, I was the one who couldn't see passed my weight to BE the real me." That may seem like an insignificant sentence to you, but it speaks volumes to me. I have blamed my weight for my lack of friends for a very long time. I make great friends online. I always assumed that was because they can't see me...that they aren't so turned off by my weight that  they are able to talk to me without being distracted by the fact that I'm so big. However, if I think about it, I'm very different online than I am in person. It's not because I'm fake online, it's because I can be ME, without feeling like anyone is judging me based on my weight. I can be funny, I can be witty, I can be open, I can be ME! When I talk to people face to face, I'm so convinced that no one wants to be friends with the fat girl that I become shy, introverted and don't look people in the eye. When people talk to me, I answer with short sentences, hoping they'll stop talking to me. THAT'S why I have no friends. It isn't because I'm fat, it's because I'm so convinced that everyone else won't like me that I don't even bother to try. I'm so convinced that no one really wants to be around me that I actively push people away. I've let my size become a reason to squash my personality. Wow. Talk about a wake up call. I think 14 years of self programming is going to be pretty difficult to overcome, but I will definitely try!

Okay, so I think I'm going to end this post and marinate on my last thought for a while. It's kind of a big deal. I'M kind of a big deal. ;)