Woohoooo! I did it!

The last two times I've attempted a cleanse day, I've failed miserably. I don't know what the heck was wrong with me because cleanse days had never been difficult before, but I just couldn't get through them. I always ended up eating dinner. It's honestly been MONTHS since I last did a deep cleanse. Apparently my body REALLY needed it because I dropped TEN POUNDS in the last two days! Yes, you read that correctly...TEN POUNDS IN TWO DAYS! A little bit always come back right after the cleanse, but I'm THRILLED!

I finally feel like I might be getting back in control of my eating. It's scary feeling out of control! I was watching the weight pile back on and, in a sense, felt completely helpless to control it. I knew that wasn't true, but I just couldn't stop eating the things that were completely sabotaging me. I'd watch myself eat them and KNOW I shouldn't be, but eating them anyways...then eating some more...and some more. I KNEW I was gaining back weight, but the food meant more to me than the weight. It's awful. I need to keep pressing forward.

I've been reading The Anti Jared and following him on Facebook and something he said really resonated with me. Both personal trainers I've had have told me to have a "cheat meal." They said that if I look forward to a cheat meal once a week, I'll be able to stay on track better because I know that I can have whatever food it is I want for my cheat meal, so I won't eat it the rest of the time. The Anti Jared said that he can never have a cheat meal because it turns into a cheat day, then a cheat week, then a cheat month. I can SO totally relate to that. I started falling off track when I told myself it was "okay" to eat something I shouldn't be eating "because it's not like I'm not going to have ice cream the rest of my life, so I need to learn to eat it in moderation," or, "It's not like I'm not going to eat Thanksgiving dinner ever again, so I'm just going to eat whatever I want and know that I can drop the few pounds I gained." The problem is, a little bit of ice cream turns into the whole tub. Thanksgiving dinner turns into a week of leftovers and just flows right into Christmas dinner. Moderation doesn't work for me. I think I can honestly just never have that stuff again. I KNOW I can stay away from it if I'm just not eating it, but once I get near it again, I just lose control. I feel silly comparing my eating to alcoholism, but I've heard from some of my friends who are sober that they're still an alcoholic and always just one drink away from going back to the way things were. That's how I feel. If I just NEVER have the stuff I shouldn't have, I'm good. Once I give in, even just a little bit, I completely lose control. I'm just one bite away from 300 pounds again. I won't go back there.

Back to the grind

You KNOW I've been bad when it's been so long since I last blogged. I've completely fallen off of the wagon and it's been SO hard to get back into things! I haven't had a shake since who knows when, I've been eating icecream, fast food, you name it...if I think it will taste good, I'm eating it. I've gained back 20 pounds. TWENTY POUNDS! Do you know how long it takes to lose twenty pounds? I do, and I'm not looking forward to having to lose it again. UGH. I'm just so incredibly frustrated with myself. Why am I having such a difficult time with this? Usually, I'm the one who doesn't understand why people are struggling. JUST DON'T EAT IT, has been my mantra. How difficult can that possibly be? I didn't understand why people said I had so much will power. It was honestly just easy for me not to eat it. Now I'm STRUGGLING...BIG TIME!

I keep telling myself, "Tomorrow...I'll start again tomorrow." Then tomorrow comes and I really want that burger, so, "Tomorrow...I'll start again tomorrow." It's a vicious cycle. My super spy texted me the other day because he hasn't seen me at the gym. It's been MONTHS since I've gone. I have zero excuses. I just need to get back there and just do it. Today, my food intake has been decent. I ran out of ice, so haven't had a shake yet, but I had a banana and a pear for breakfast, some eggs for lunch, IsaGreens and IsaFruits for a snack and I'm planning on a shake for dinner. I passed by my favorite cupcake place and almost stopped in, but I told myself, "Just don't eat it!" and kept on driving. I was proud of myself! I need to get back in the habit of drinking water. I've been completely failing at that (and so much more) lately.

So, here we go. I need to do this. I can't be the person that gains it all back. I just can't. I won't.