Week One...DONE!

So, week one of my no cheat challenge ended yesterday, but I was mid cleanse, so I figured I'd weigh in today instead! Can you guess by the image how much weight I released in the past 8 days? If you guessed TEN POUNDS, you're right! WOOHOO!!!! Give yourself a sticker! I thought I had lost that much just a couple of cleanses ago, but either my scale was wrong or it all came right back on in the next couple of days, so that was a bummer.


Weight: 212 lbs. -10 lbs
Waist: 46" -1"
Hips: 47" -1"
Right thigh: 25.5" -0"
Right calf: 16.5" -1/2"
Right upper arm: 16" -0"

Just 15 pounds until I hit 100 lbs released! It's almost painful to say that when I was only seven pounds away from it six months ago, but I've decided I can't focus on where I've been, I can only focus on where I'm going. Much easier said than done, but I'm working on it!

This past week has been really difficult. With birthdays and parties and homemade lemon bars for the last day of dance class and field trips to the Pizza Place, there has been temptation around every corner, but I did it! No cheating! It's getting easier as the days pass, which I knew it would, but there is still the desire there. I imaging the desire will always be there, it will just keep getting easier to ignore. Now, if I could just desire to eat salad!

Harder Than I Thought

Boy did I pick a bad month to be good!  Lol  Saturday was my husband's birthday and my daughter's birthday party. Eggs benedict for breakfast ( for the family...a shake for me), then we BBQed and swam. I had my husband grill me up a chicken breast and a portobello mushroom. I ate the mushroom like a burger with a lettuce bun. I'm trying to stay away from red meat, but did end up eating half a burger patty. Can I call that not really cheating because I stayed within my calories and haven't said absolutely no red meat? I have to say that I have been tempted to cheat and just not blog about it, but I haven't! Go me!

I wanted to do something with my husband for his birthday that was semi affordable. I found it difficult to think of anything that didn't involve food! We ended up just enjoying a nice night in.

Sunda I had a fireside at church that I am played the piano for. I was totally stressed out about it. I wanted to gorge on all of my usual stress comfort foods, but I didn't! It's really eye opening being on this no cheat challenge. You never really realize how much of an emotional eater you are until you can't rely on foods during emotional times. I had a double shot of Ionix Supreme to help get me through! I also had to bring five dozen cookies and not touch a single one of them. Of course, there were SO many goodies after the fireside as well. I just drank a lot of water.

I wasn't going to weigh in until I had a week of the challenge under my belt, but I did sneek apeak this morning. I'm not disappointed, that's for sure! I'll give an official weigh in on Thursday morning after my two day cleanse!

Day 2

Today is going well! I woke up this morning, pretty hungry after my two day cleanse. It was the perfect time to try the new vegan shake from Isagenix! Two boxes were delivered on Monday morning...just when I started my cleanse. (Isn't that how it always works?) So, I got to try it this morning! I have to say...it wasn't my favorite. It was just too sweet for my liking. I can understand why they made it so sweet, but it wasn't my cup of tea. I think I may add some Want More Energy to it tonight to see if the tartness of that makes it more palatable to me. If I were vegan, however, I would still drink it everyday. It's not bad...I just prefer the vanilla and chocolate!

Lunch came around noon. I'm SO happy to be back on track! Who could look at this lunch and think that I'm either depriving myself, or could be eating something that tastes better? 

Today's lunch consisted of a chicken breast (seasoned with some Himilayan Sea Salt and rosemary), four cups of fresh spinach (which I wilted with some sea salt and water that I used to reconstitute some sun dried tomatoes), which was topped with some sun dried tomatoes and about 1/2 ounce of goat cheese. The pizza on the right is on a flax and quinoa tortilla, which I crisped up in the oven, then topped with a tablespoon of pesto, 1 oz of fresh mozzarella, quartered artichoke hearts, sun dried tomatoes and capers. Oh my goodness, lunch was SO good! I ate half of the chicken, then saved the rest for a mid afternoon snack!

I'm only about 9 cups of water into the 16 I try to drink each day, but I should be able to easily reach that by the end of the night! 

30 Day No Cheat Challenge

I've decided that I need to stop allowing myself to slack. I need to stop allowing myself to "cheat." I'll eat something "bad" and tell myself I'll make up for the calories by not eating as big of a lunch. I'll eat something "bad" and tell myself that because I'm conciously allowing myself to eat it, it's okay because that means I'm in control. I'll eat something "bad" and tell myself that I'll do better the next day.  No more! I'm officially starting a 30 day no cheat challenge!

Today is Day 1! I'm cleansing today. (As I did yesterday as well) So far, I've an IsaDelight, Cleanse for Life, a Natural Accelerator and three cups of water. So far, so good!

Weight: 222
Waist: 47"
Hips: 48"
Right thigh: 25.5"
Right calf: 17"
Right bicep: 16"

I've taken "before" pictures and will post them with my "after" pictures at the end of 30 days.

After taking the before pictures, I was feeling pretty poorly about myself, so I pulled out an old pair of jeans and put them on. You know how in amazing weight loss stories, you see a picture of a person standing in a single leg of their old jeans? Yeah...that's not me. lol However, I looked at them and cannot believe I ever allowed myself to get that big. I'm hoping that in the next six months or so, I'll look at the jeans I'm wearing now and won't be able to believe that I was ever that big.

So, here we go!

My New Toy Rocks my World!

My eldest daughter has started drinking tea. She decided that she needed a fancy tea cup and saucer to drink her tea from. I'm not quite sure why, but she insisted she just had to. So, we made a quick trip to Goodwill to find a tea cup and saucer. While we were there, I was browsing the electronics and ran across this little baby. It's a George Foreman 2 serving classic plate grill.

One of my biggest complaints about eating healthy is all of the dishes it creates! Every single lunch, I dirty at least four dishes. My normal lunch of chicken breast with goat cheese and spinach requires a pan to brown my chicken, a baking sheet to bake it, a pan to wilt my spinach in, a plate and a fork. Now, keep in mind that there are eight people in my family, so I do not own a single small pan. I'm using a full 10 inch diameter pan to fry a single chicken breast in! So, when I saw this thing for only $6, I just had to get it! I cannot believe how easy this has made my lunches! No need to separately brown, then bake my chicken. The grill does it all! Even better, it does it in 8 minutes as opposed to the 30 my chicken usually spends in the oven! I still use a pan to wilt my spinach, but I think I'm going to try to wilt it in the grill today...just for giggles. ;) I'll let you know how it goes!

Cooking for a single person is so strange to me. I never used to eat lunch. I would just snack on whatever I could grab all day. For breakfast and dinner, I always have at least six people to cook for, so I'm used to cooking large quantities. It's kind of nice to cook for just myself. I feel like I'm doing something special for myself. Some people like to have a spa day. I like to cook myself lunch. Now, dishes...I'm not horribly fond of those, which is what makes this grill so ridiculously awesome!

Refocusing on my "why."

It's no secret that I've been struggling recently. Dinner time seems to be the most difficult for me. I can be great all day, then go crazy at dinner. Night time snacking has returned with a vengeance. I KNOW I need to get things back under control, but I consciously choose not to. I'm not snacking without realizing it. I'm snacking with an "I'll do better tomorrow" attitude. "Tomorrow" has turned into six months. SIX MONTHS! It's just not okay.

I ran into my sponsor, Amber, the other day at Hobby Lobby. (This was my first time ever going there...I think I spent about three hours there! SUCH an awesome store!) I told her that I had been struggling and not  only not losing weight, but rapidly gaining it back. She then contacted our friend, Craig, who sent me this text:

Keep your eye on your why Katie :) What made you start in the first place, why is this so important to you? Keep doing the simple things, make sure to eat as much as you're outputting and if you are focused on hitting a certain weight put the scale away for 10 days at a time so you are not stressing over hitting that number, in turn boosting your cortisol levels and slowing fat loss. You are an amazing spirit, remember this is NOT a race, it is to find the real you, and to get to your why may take different speeds, but as long as you're pointed in the right direction nothing will stop you :) Much love! Craig

He's absolutely right. I think I've forgotten my "why." Why am I doing this? I'm doing this so I can play with my kids. I'm doing this so my children grow up knowing that eating right and exercise is an important part of life. I'm doing this so I can live to see my great grandchildren. I'm doing this so I can figure out who I am. I'm doing this so I can feel good about myself and not shy away from opportunities because I'm embarrassed by who I am. I'm doing this so I can LIVE. These are the things that are important to me and I can't let food stand in the way of accomplishing these things in my life.

I'm putting my vision board back up so I can really focus on why I am doing these things and remember that I want my "why" more than I want Taco Bell. lol

Woohoooo! I did it!

The last two times I've attempted a cleanse day, I've failed miserably. I don't know what the heck was wrong with me because cleanse days had never been difficult before, but I just couldn't get through them. I always ended up eating dinner. It's honestly been MONTHS since I last did a deep cleanse. Apparently my body REALLY needed it because I dropped TEN POUNDS in the last two days! Yes, you read that correctly...TEN POUNDS IN TWO DAYS! A little bit always come back right after the cleanse, but I'm THRILLED!

I finally feel like I might be getting back in control of my eating. It's scary feeling out of control! I was watching the weight pile back on and, in a sense, felt completely helpless to control it. I knew that wasn't true, but I just couldn't stop eating the things that were completely sabotaging me. I'd watch myself eat them and KNOW I shouldn't be, but eating them anyways...then eating some more...and some more. I KNEW I was gaining back weight, but the food meant more to me than the weight. It's awful. I need to keep pressing forward.

I've been reading The Anti Jared and following him on Facebook and something he said really resonated with me. Both personal trainers I've had have told me to have a "cheat meal." They said that if I look forward to a cheat meal once a week, I'll be able to stay on track better because I know that I can have whatever food it is I want for my cheat meal, so I won't eat it the rest of the time. The Anti Jared said that he can never have a cheat meal because it turns into a cheat day, then a cheat week, then a cheat month. I can SO totally relate to that. I started falling off track when I told myself it was "okay" to eat something I shouldn't be eating "because it's not like I'm not going to have ice cream the rest of my life, so I need to learn to eat it in moderation," or, "It's not like I'm not going to eat Thanksgiving dinner ever again, so I'm just going to eat whatever I want and know that I can drop the few pounds I gained." The problem is, a little bit of ice cream turns into the whole tub. Thanksgiving dinner turns into a week of leftovers and just flows right into Christmas dinner. Moderation doesn't work for me. I think I can honestly just never have that stuff again. I KNOW I can stay away from it if I'm just not eating it, but once I get near it again, I just lose control. I feel silly comparing my eating to alcoholism, but I've heard from some of my friends who are sober that they're still an alcoholic and always just one drink away from going back to the way things were. That's how I feel. If I just NEVER have the stuff I shouldn't have, I'm good. Once I give in, even just a little bit, I completely lose control. I'm just one bite away from 300 pounds again. I won't go back there.

Back to the grind

You KNOW I've been bad when it's been so long since I last blogged. I've completely fallen off of the wagon and it's been SO hard to get back into things! I haven't had a shake since who knows when, I've been eating icecream, fast food, you name it...if I think it will taste good, I'm eating it. I've gained back 20 pounds. TWENTY POUNDS! Do you know how long it takes to lose twenty pounds? I do, and I'm not looking forward to having to lose it again. UGH. I'm just so incredibly frustrated with myself. Why am I having such a difficult time with this? Usually, I'm the one who doesn't understand why people are struggling. JUST DON'T EAT IT, has been my mantra. How difficult can that possibly be? I didn't understand why people said I had so much will power. It was honestly just easy for me not to eat it. Now I'm STRUGGLING...BIG TIME!

I keep telling myself, "Tomorrow...I'll start again tomorrow." Then tomorrow comes and I really want that burger, so, "Tomorrow...I'll start again tomorrow." It's a vicious cycle. My super spy texted me the other day because he hasn't seen me at the gym. It's been MONTHS since I've gone. I have zero excuses. I just need to get back there and just do it. Today, my food intake has been decent. I ran out of ice, so haven't had a shake yet, but I had a banana and a pear for breakfast, some eggs for lunch, IsaGreens and IsaFruits for a snack and I'm planning on a shake for dinner. I passed by my favorite cupcake place and almost stopped in, but I told myself, "Just don't eat it!" and kept on driving. I was proud of myself! I need to get back in the habit of drinking water. I've been completely failing at that (and so much more) lately.

So, here we go. I need to do this. I can't be the person that gains it all back. I just can't. I won't.

Hollywood

Late last night, I got home from a whirlwind trip to Hollywood! I went to visit my good friend, Seth Santoro, and to celebrate the release of his new book, How I Learned to Smile From The Inside! I flew down Tuesday afternoon, then flew back Wednesday night. Tuesday night was spent at Vintage Enoteca, an awesome little wine bar, where Seth had a book signing. They have the most amazing deviled eggs. I know what you're thinking, "Deviled eggs? That's what you're going to rave about?!?!?" Seriously, they're to DIE for! I may or may not have had four of them. They also put out this amazing cheese platter. Yeah, cheese is my weakness. Yikes! I decided that I wasn't going to worry about weight loss while I was on vacation. I didn't even bring any shakes with me!

The next day, I slept in, for what felt like the first time in years. lol I had a banana for breakfast, then went to take some pictures of the Hollywood sign for my daughter, who is in love with everything Hollywood and celebrities. I had originally planned on taking a hike up Runyon Canyon and taking the pictures from there, because I had heard and read that that was the best view in all of the city, but when I drove there, there wasn't a single parking spot within at least a mile of the entrance. I swear everyone, their tennis partner and their mother's dog was there. It was CRAZY! It's definitely on my to do list for the next time I'm there. So, instead I drove up Beachwood Dr. and got some pictures from there.

After that, I met up with Seth for lunch at the mall in Century City. That food court was AWESOME! I had some bao from "Take a Bao" It was delicious! I had the Spicy Sesame Citrus Chicken and Pomegranate Beef on wheat.

Next came some time just driving around the area, taking it all in. I have to say, I absolutely fell in love with Beverly Hills. Big surprise, right? Anyone who knows me really well knows that I HATE HATE HATE cities. Seriously, I hate them. They make me anxious. They're too crowded, have too many one way streets, the people are rude...I just hate them. Not the case AT ALL for Beverly Hills! I was driving down Santa Monica Blvd and there was one way that you could take for through traffic and one way for local access. I decided to take the local access. Oh my goodness, it is SO cute! It has a walking downtown that I'm absolutely in love with. When I have a vacation home, it's definitely going to be in Beverly Hills!

Finally, I made my way to Hollywood Blvd and the Hollywood Walk of Fame. There weren't any particular stars that I was interested in, but I always get my children souvenirs when I go on a trip, so I figured there was no better place for that than Hollywood Blvd! I wasn't disappointed!

I drove back to Burbank, dropped off my car at the rental place (they had upgraded me to a Chevy Camero! I felt so silly driving that thing! I'm much more of a minivan type of person!) and then caught my flight back home. Not before having a chicken and pesto panini and some sushi at the airport. Airport sushi...scary!

I weighed myself this morning and I was only up two pounds! Not too bad for not worrying about it while I was away!

Up and Down and Up and Down

Yesterday was weigh day. Up a pound from last week. UGH! It's not like I'm surprised, just disappointed in myself. I seem to be getting things back in control, but am still having trouble with snacking. I made myself a nice lunch of salad and chicken the other day, ate that...then ate a piece of pizza that my family was having. I told my husband I didn't want a berry sundae from Costco, then ate almost half of his. I had a shake this morning, then ate two graham crackers (little devil pieces of carby goodness!). I think you get the idea. I keep making justifications, "I'm eating it in the morning, so I have all day to burn it off," "It's just one, I'll just eat a smaller piece of chicken to make up for it," "I'm usually under my calories anyways, I'll just consider this a snack..." and so on and so forth. NO MORE EXCUSES! I just need to buckle down and do it. My weight isn't going anywhere. My inches aren't going anywhere. I'm stuck and it's entirely of my own doing. I can't say I'm on a plateau because that would suggest I'm doing everything right and just not losing weight. I'm just not doing things right at the moment.

I'm happy to say that I'm no longer sore from my workout with my personal trainer. Of course, that was almost a week ago, so I would hope so! lol My goal is to release SIX pounds this week. I'm aiming high, hoping that will keep me accountable. That will put me in ONEDERLAND! Forget the graham crackers and cookie this morning. (What, I didn't mention the cookie? Oh wait...cookies. Ugh.)

Back to the gym today. Back in the saddle. Goodbye six pounds. Goodbye 200's!

New Personal Trainer!

I don't know about you, but when I meet someone new, I automatically want to know more about them. This used to entail actually *gasp* talking to people! Now, thanks to the wonders of the internet, you don't even have to talk to someone to get to know them! How awesome! haha! So, naturally, after meeting my trainer, I took his card and put the internet to good use. (Isn't that what it's made for? Stalking people and funny cat videos?) Would you believe I cannot find anything about him online? No Facebook profile, no Linked In profile, no ZabaSearch information. NOTHING! Who doesn't have an online presence? So, naturally, this leads me to believe that he is either a super spy, or in the witness protection program. I'm cool with that. From now on, I'm just going to refer to him as my super spy!

So anyways, on Wednesday, I went to meet with my super spy for the first time. I really liked my old personal trainer. She was awesome. I absolutely LOVE this one. With my first, I didn't really feel like our personalities meshed well. With this one, we just clicked. We did the usual stretching out before hand and he showed me a way to work with my sciatic nerve to hopefully help it not bug me too much (those of you that have been pregnant before may know of the pain I'm talking about...horrible lower back pain that leads to shooting pains down your leg.) It started when I was pregnant with Caitlin and I have suffered with it ever since. Hopefully this will help. On a side note, even before this stretch, I figured out that going on the elliptical REALLY helped with that. After one of my workouts, my back was KILLING me. It hurt to walk. The next day, after about five minutes on the elliptical, the pain was gone! At the end of that day's workout, I went on an ab machine and quickly realized that was the machine that was causing the problems. Five minutes on the elliptical and the pain was once again nonexistent! How awesome is that? The elliptical I use at the gym is the Octane Pro3700. I don't know if the other ellipticals would help with my pain or not. I haven't used them. So, back to my super spy...we did a bunch of stuff with TRX (by the way, I totally want one of these for my house!) and some stuff with the cable machines. The cable machines still intimidate me, but the trainers seem to really like them. I was glad that we worked with the TRX as the gym has a Body Web class that I've been wanting to take, but I wasn't sure if I could do it. I think I can! Lots of squats and lunges later and our session was over.

Fast forward to yesterday (the day after meeting with my super spy). I can barely move! Every muscle in my body aches! I want to cry as I walk down the stairs. HOLY MOLEY! Seriously, it was bad. Some would say it was a good kind of hurt. I just say it hurt! I still went to the gym. My super spy was working and I'm pretty sure he laughed at me when I hobbled into the gym. He came over to me when I was on the bike and asked how I was doing. I told him that I could barely move. He told me that was a good thing and that the best way to deal with that was to do some more squats and lunges. I may or may not have sworn at him. lol

Wednesday was my last session. I've talked to my husband and he has agreed that as soon as we have the money, I can purchase eight more sessions. They're pretty expensive, but I think they're totally worth it. I would never push myself as hard as my trainer does and I have a LOT less faith in myself than he does! Thank goodness one of us thinks I can do it!

Back to it!

It has been FIVE DAYS since I had been to the gym! I was cleansing two days, then had lunch with friends one day, then had my son's birthday party, then had church and a family dinner and before I knew it, FIVE DAYS had passed! Not good! So, I drank an E+ Energy Shot this morning and got to it! An hour on the recumbent bike (15 miles) a mile on the elliptical (Anderson Cooper Live started, so I stopped the elliptical and hopped on the bike in front of the TV LOL), 3 sets of 20 reps at "3" on the leg presses (and realized I need to do a lot more weight than that) 3 sets of 20 reps at "3" on the leg curl machine (seemed like a good weight for that machine) 1 set of 20 reps at "2" on the leg extension machine (WAY too much weight!) and 2 sets of 20 reps at "1" (MUCH better!) I'm guessing that the numbers are multiples of ten? So, 3 would be 30 pounds? Purely speculation, though.

My personal trainer is no longer working at the gym I go to. :( She texted me the day before we were supposed to have a session and told me she was no longer working there, and sorry for the short notice. Bummer! So, I went and got a new trainer today. I meet with him on Wednesday! He seems nice enough. I guess I'll know more come Wednesday. Wednesday will be my last session before having to decide if I want to continue or not. I would LOVE to continue with a personal trainer, but I just don't think I'm going to be able to afford it. :(

In a couple of weeks, I'm going down to Hollywood to visit my good friend, Seth, and celebrate his book release! I'm SO excited! I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to afford to go, but flight prices went down considerably, so I booked a flight! I hope he has a blender, because I'm not planning on checking a bag, which means I can't bring a blender with me. :( I'm staying with him, so at least I'm not at the mercy of a hotel when it comes to finding stuff to make my shake! I'll probably bring a blender bottle just in case he doesn't have a blender. He is a bachelor, after all!

I'm still having a terrible time when it comes to food. I just can't get my snacking under control. I've gained NINE pounds in the past couple of weeks! I'd say I have no idea how that could possibly happen, but I'd be lying. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with Easter candy, birthday cake, chips, soda, hamburgers, etc. Ugh.

Get with the program, woman!

I have totally been sabotaging my weight loss efforts recently. I just can't seem to get it through my head that I need to stop eating crap and start eating better! Every morning, I tell myself that I'm going to eat "clean" today. Every day, I totally fail. Today, I told myself, "This is eat! Clean eating today!" I had an IsaLean Shake for breakfast, IsaPro and Want More Energy after my workout, salmon and spinach for lunch...then two Choco Tacos. SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! I was doing SO well! What the heck?!?!?! Why am I doing this to myself? I'm SO close to losing that 100 pounds that I have as my next goal. SO CLOSE!!! I EASILY would have hit it by now if I would just stop eating crap!!! STOP IT ALREADY!!!

The Choco Tacos are gone now. (Can you believe I ate two of them at lunch with the justification of, "I need to eat both so they'll all be gone and I won't be tempted anymore.") There will be NO MORE in my freezer! I NEED to get back on track!

When I first started on my weekly phone calls, the guy in charge of the calls, Larry, told us that he had coached many people into the 100 pound club. He then warned that there had been people who came within a couple of pounds of 100 and then just stopped...stopped getting on the phone calls, stopped losing weight, stopped using Isagenix. He said he's not sure exactly why, but he thinks that it must be some sort of mental thing...that you just don't think you can lose 100 pounds, or you don't think you're worthy of losing 100 pounds, or you're just afraid of succeeding...whatever the case is, sometimes there is just some sort of mental block that doesn't want you to lose 100 lbs. I don't think that's the case with me, but I'm really struggling.

The past two days were deep cleanse days. Two days of cleansing. It's always been easy for me in the past. Last night, I ate. It was the first time I didn't complete a deep cleanse. I told myself that I was making the conscious decision to eat dinner with my family because it was the Blue and Gold dinner for my son's Cub Scout pack and I wanted to eat dinner with my family, rather than just sit there and drink water. I told myself that since I was making that choice consiously, it was okay. It wasn't worth it. Then I came home and HID and ate two Choco Tacos. (See, those things are EVIL!) Seriously, I HID and ate ice cream?!?!?! I've never HIDDEN to eat. NEVER. I hear about people doing that because they don't want people to see them eat. I thought it was ridiculous. Then, I did it. I wanted to cry. I just don't know what's going on, but I know it has to stop!

I'm THAT mom...and more NSV's!

I swore I would never be that mom. We all know them. They're the ones that come to pick their kids up from school in yoga pants and tank tops. The ones who look like they must have just been at the gym, but their hair and makeup are perfect, so you think that maybe they are just actually wearing workout clothes all day, or are doing it for show to make it look like they're the type of stay at home mom that exercises while their kids are at school. They're usually cute and little, so they probably do, but I like to assume they're actually sitting in front of their soap operas all day, lounging around, just waiting to pick their kid up from school, looking like they were just at the gym.

Well, I'm kinda that mom now. I've work yoga pants to school to pick my youngest up from Kindergarten TWICE now! *hides head in shame* I also wore yoga pants to Whole Foods last night. I know, I KNOW!!!! Don't be that mom!!! At least my hair and makeup aren't perfect, and my bright red face shows that I actually WAS just at the gym! Well, except for at Whole Foods last night. I was planning on going to the gym AFTER that, so I was in yoga pants, with nice hair and makeup. :( Plus, I at least have the decency to throw a sweater on over my workout top, so it doesn't look like I'm trying too hard to look like I was just at the gym. Maybe I should stop being judgmental and just start assuming that those moms aren't actually wearing those clothes for show. Nah...what fun would that be?

Two new non scale victories for me! (Well, technically three, but I'm lumping two of them together into one) The first happened last night. My legs were sore from my workout, so I was rubbing them. Then I noticed something odd...there was this thing in front of my shin. It was hard, so I knew it wasn't fat, but it was soft enough that I knew it wasn't bone. I told my husband that I had a weird bump in front of my shin. He came over to feel it and got a good laugh out of telling me it's a MUSCLE!! OMG, I HAVE A MUSCLE IN FRONT OF MY SHIN! Now, all of you may have already known that, but I had no clue. I've certainly never felt it before! Then, I was massaging my quads and squealed, "DRAKE DRAKE DRAKE COME HERE!!!!!!" Before he could get to me, I ran over to him and told him, "FEEL THIS!" You can actually feel my quads! He had been in our closet at the time, which you have to walk through our bathroom to get to and when I saw myself in the mirror, I squealed again, "OH MY GOODNESS! I have DEFINITION!!! YOU CAN SEE MY QUADS WHEN I'M JUST STANDING HERE!!!!!!" Seriously...I've been married and had six kids, and this ranks right up there with one of the best moments of my life.

My next NSV was this morning. The kids were leaving for school and the dog ran out the front door. Usually, he just comes right back inside. This morning, he decided freedom was just too tempting and took off running down the street. I chased him down the street. He is FAST! Of course, he didn't have his collar on this morning because he has a scratch on his neck I'm trying to let heal, so I couldn't just grab him by his collar. He ran around in the middle of the streets for a while. Thank goodness we live close to the school and there was a crossing guard at the corner who stopped all traffic for us as I chased him in the middle of the street. He then ran into the school and ran around the school for a good five minutes. He finally stopped to smell a bush and I was able to come up behind him, pick him up and carry him home. (All 70 pounds of him!) All this, barefoot and in my pajamas. Lovely. When I got home, huffing and puffing, I realized that just a couple of months ago, and maybe even just a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have been able to do that. There's no way I could have chased him, full speed, even just down the street, let alone up and down the street, around the block, into the school, and around the school. THEN carried 70 pounds of dog home two blocks. NO WAY! I would have had to rely on the kids getting him, or an adult at the school grabbing him long enough that I could catch up to him, then I would have had to hold him while I sent one of the kids home to get his collar and leash. Now that I think about it, I probably wouldn't have gone after him at all. I probably would have woken my husband up and told him to go after the dog! I did it. I ran after him. I kept up with him. I caught him. I carried him home. I did that!

Non Scale Victories

I'm a tad bit obsessed with the scale. We have a love/hate relationship. It loves to torture me. I hate it with a firey passion. I'm supposed to weigh in once a week. I weigh about five times a day. The scale pretty much runs my life. I eat/sleep/drink/breathe the number that flashes up at me. If I'm wearing clothes when I get on, I try to estimate how much my clothing weighs. If I just drank water, I think to myself, "I just had three cups of water. That's 24 ounces. That's a pound and a half. That means I actually weigh XXX. That's STILL three pounds more than I was yesterday!" When I weigh before I go to bed, I mentally calculate how much weight I need to lose while I sleep to be lighter than I was that morning. It's an ongoing battle. My personal trainer said something to me the other day that makes a lot of sense, but I still can't stay off of the scale. She said that weighing yourself can cause you to gain weight, or at least stay the same. She said that when you weigh yourself and it's not a number you're happy with, your body immediately releases cortisol because of the stress. Cortisol causes a spike in blood sugar, weakens the immune system, and can suppress fat loss.

So, today I've decided to start focusing on non scale victories (from hereon out, to be referred to as NSV's). Today's NSV? I did an hour and a half of cardio and didn't feel sick to my stomach when I was done! 10 miles on the recumbent bike, 30 flights of stairs on the stair machine and 1 mile on the elliptical. Another NSV (that happened a little while ago), was being able to cross my legs for the first time in a long time. That was awesome! 

On a completely unrelated note, one of my very good friends (who I was paired up with as a penpal in sixth grade when we lived across the country from each other) wrote a book! You should go check it out and order it! I received two copies of it today! How I Learned to Smile From The Inside

More NSV's to come tomorrow, I'm sure!

SO glad to be back in the gym!

I never seem to tire from writing about the gym, do I? Sorry about that...okay, not really. (Or, as my teenage daughter would write, #sorrynotsorry)

I SO badly did NOT want to go to the gym today! I was planning on cleansing, which meant no gym, right? I realized it was too soon to cleanse and since I'm meeting with my trainer tomorrow, couldn't cleanse tomorrow and really only like to do two day cleanses, so I decided not to cleanse. I got a new bed yesterday and need to clean my room/rearrange furniture/move out old bed/etc., so that was good enough of a workout for today, right?  I forgot to drink my E+ energy shot, so I went home after dropping my husband off at work, when I usually go straight to the gym, to get it. I sat at the computer. I found out that my best friend is having a book signing in Hollywood next month, so I decided to figure out if there was a way I could make it to that. That was about 20 minutes spent on the computer. That didn't leave as much time for the gym as I usually like to give myself. Excuse after excuse after excuse. I REALLY didn't want to go. I told myself off and went! I'm SO glad I did! Ten miles on the recumbent bike, 5k on the ergometer (with a personal best for time...which isn't that difficult because I've only done it twice, haha!) and 20 reps front and 20 reps on each side on this thing:

The one at my gym doesn't have handles, though. It's kind of awesome. I'm really trying to work on my lower back because I tend to have a lot of pain in that area. I figure if I strengthen the muscles, the pain should lessen. Plus, you can just hang upside down on this thing and it's an awesome stretch for your lower back!

Nights are SO hard!

Why is it that I can go all day being SO good about my eating, then at night, blow it all?!?!?!?! Great breakfast, great lunch, great dinner, great snacks...then BAM...brownies, truffles, bites of my family's dinner. I can eat ALL of my daily calories in the space of one hour. It's awful! I need to STOP this! This is how I gained so much weight in the first place! Nights were always full of snacking and yummy foods and energy drinks and ice cream and...and..and... Well, I think you get the point. I HAVE to get back out of that mindset! I'm completely sabotaging myself!

To top it off, I didn't go to the gym on Saturday or Sunday. I was fairly sick on Saturday, but still wanted to go. My husband put his foot down and told me I wasn't going. Now, I realize that sounds like my husband is crazy controlling or something, but he isn't. I didn't HAVE to listen to him, but he was fairly adamant that he wanted me resting so I could get better and it wasn't a battle worth fighting. Then, Sunday came. I was feeling quite a bit better. I told him I was off to the gym. He told me he didn't want me going because he still thought I needed a day to rest and recover. I told him I was fine and I was going. I tested the waters of, "I'm going" for several hours, but he wasn't budging. He REALLY didn't want me to go. Once again, I relented and stayed home. Then, this morning, exactly what I feared would happen, happened. I didn't want to go back. It was a chore to drag myself back to the gym. When I got there, after about 3 minutes on the stairs, I wanted to stop. I had plenty of excuses as to why I couldn't keep going. I had lost my momentum and I was miserable. It took six days to finally WANT to go to the gym and two days of not going to never want to go again! So, 9 minutes and 22 flights on the stairs, then 1.83 miles on the elliptical. (Yes, that was pathetic!) and something like 6 miles on the recumbent bike (again, not so awesome) and I tried out this new (to me, anyways) cardio machine. I was basically an elliptical, where you're taking shorter strides, on an incline. I did like five minutes of interval training on that and nearly DIED! I WILL conquer that machine! I don't really like it, though. The short strides feel awkward and I bounce too much on it. I'm sure there's a way to not bounce so much, but for now, I feel like my boobs are going to hit me in the face when I'm on it. Well, they would if they were as big as they used to be! Why is it that I lose weight in my boobs first? They were FINE, thank you very much! They do NOT need to get smaller! :( Yeah, that's just a little aside for today.  I also did some work on an ab machine that my trainer showed me on Friday. I didn't do anywhere near enough, but I figure I'd start off slow. It was probably because I didn't want to be there. Ugh!

So, I'm back from the gym, I'm determined to have a GREAT food day and, want to or not, I'm going back to the gym tomorrow!

She's trying to kill me!

I'm fairly certain my personal trainer is trying to kill me. Today was core day. Stability ball crunches...easy peasy. Some little twisty thing on the cable machine. No problem. Hatchet something or others on the cable machine. I've got this! Some ab machine thing...looked hard, but no problem! Then came some little roll out thing on the stability ball. OMG, I thought I was going to die! After that came...dun dun dun...PLANKS! Regular planks. Okay...not great, but okay. Then suddenly I have to do leg lifts while planking? Wha??!!?! Oh, that's not enough! Now suddenly I'm in plank position, then pushing up on one arm, then the other, then back down. Yeah...that one did me in. I was d.o.n.e! Thankfully, that was the end of our session because I was dripping sweat and shaking like crazy. It was AWESOME!!!! I can't wait to see her again on Wednesday! Upper body, here I come!

For my warm up, I decided to do the stair machine. That thing is KILLER! My butt was SO sore by the time I was done! Awesome! I went super slow, but I am still pretty proud of myself! 22 flights of stairs in 10 minutes!

I'm taking a handgun training course tomorrow that lasts eight hours, so I'm going to have to go to the gym in the evening. I've never been in the evening. I'm curious to see how different the dynamic is. It's always really empty when I go around 11:00 am.

Amber (my sponsor) came over today and took my measurements and took some pictures. (Posted above) For once, I wasn't ashamed to take pictures! I had just gotten back from my workout, so I was a bit red faced and still in my workout clothes, but I don't care! I've worked hard to get where I am and the red face just shows that I'm still working hard! She wants me to do a side by side with a "before" picture. I went through all of my pictures and could not find a single full body before shot. I had a habit of deleting all pictures of me. I'm regretting that now. Thankfully, my sister in law is a fantastic photographer and always has a camera in her hand, so I'm hoping she has a picture or two of me. She's looking through her computer for me!

Oh My Gosh, I DID IT!!!!

I actually felt EXCITED about going to the gym! Not only was I excited to go to the gym, but I was HAPPY while I was there!!! Seriously, ground breaking news here!!!

I had every excuse not to go to the gym today. I couldn't earlier in the morning because I had to get the kids off to school. Then, I had to take my husband to work (We only have one car). Then, my son had a doctor's appointment. Then, my son didn't want to go back to school because he didn't go in the morning, which meant he was going to be considered tardy and if you have more than two tardies in a semester, you're not eligible for the drawing for a bike and they don't differentiate between tardy because you had a doctor's appointment and tardy because you slept in. So, I told him he could stay home. (He's a straight A student, so  I really don't get bent out of shape about him missing a day here and there, even if he's not sick) By the time we got home from the doctor's appointment, I had less than an hour I could spend at the gym anyways.  All of these things were basically begging me to tell myself that it was okay to stay home today. Instead, I found someone to stay with Cole and went! The strange thing was...it wasn't a chore. I WANTED to find a way to go. Even though everything was working against me going, I was determined to find a way to make it there because I WANTED to be there. Not only that, but when I was there, I ENJOYED being there. I was on the ergometer and when I saw that machine counting down, SO close to finishing 5k, I had the BIGGEST smile on my face! I probably looked like a huge dork, but I didn't care! The furthest I had gone on the erg before was 3k. I did FIVE THOUSAND METERS today!!! This was AFTER three miles on the eilliptical and BEFORE 2 1/2 miles on the stationary bike!!! I had enough energy in me to go further on the bike, but I had to get home to pick my daughter up from school, so I stopped early.

Did I mention that all of this is on a CLEANSE day?!?!!? That's right...no solid food today, but incredible energy! I did have an E+ Energy shot today, which I really REALLY think makes a HUGE difference. Seriously...you know that day that I was dragging and was really down on myself about not working as hard as I could? I didn't have an E+ natural energy shot that day. Coincidence? Maybe, but I don't think so.  After being a huge coffee and Monster addict, I didn't think there was any way this tiny little shot with some green tea and yerba matte would give me any sort of boost, but I was SO wrong! These things are absolutely amazing! Seriously, if you drink coffee or energy drinks and want nothing to do with anything else Isagenix, get off of that crap and get the E+ shot!

I'm a little concerned about tomorrow. It's cleanse day number two and you're really not supposed to exercise on cleanse days. I figure day 1 is okay because you still have all of the food to burn from the day before (and boy did I eat yesterday! I went out to breakfast with my cousin, some uncles and my aunt, then out to dinner with my family!) but by day 2, you're really burning your stored fat and if you exercise, you start to break down muscle and having nothing to build it back up. They say that light walking or swimming is okay, so I may just go to the gym and do some light spinning on the recumbent bike, as that seems to be the easiest for me. I just don't want to get out of the habit of going to the gym. I know from experience with other things that once I give myself an excuse not to do something that is difficult for me, it becomes easier and easier to make new excuses. NO EXCUSES!

Are you tired of hearing about the gym yet?

So, gym day again today! They say it takes 21 days to make a habit. Today makes day 4! They (who is this THEY anyways?) also say that most people eventually LOVE the gym and LOVE working out and feel like something is missing if they miss a workout. I'm really looking forward to that. It certainly hasn't happened yet! Today is better than yesterday, though. I don't feel like I'm going to throw up! I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I think it means I didn't work out hard enough. I knew as I left the gym that I didn't work as hard as I could and I was a little disappointed in myself, but when my legs gave out and I almost fell in the parking lot, I decided to cut myself some slack!

My goal (as I believe I mentioned previously) is to do just a little bit more each day.

This is what my days have looked like so far:

Day 1 (Wednesday of last week) 1 mile on elliptical
Day 2: I took off
Day 3: 1.37 miles on the elliptical; 1 mile on the recumbent bike
Day 4: 3000 meters ergometer; 4 miles stationary bike
Day 5: 2 miles elliptical; 2000 meters ergometer; 5 miles stationary bike
Day 6: 7 miles stationary bike; 6 miles recumbent bike

The stationary bike hurts my rear. The recumbent bike makes my feet go to sleep. Both cause a shooting pain in my inner hip area. I can adjust and make it go away, but I have to be constantly thinking about it or it comes back, which sucks. The ergometer is my favorite. Unfortunately, the gym only has two of them and they were both occupied the entire time I was there today.  I'll get it first thing tomorrow if I can! I think I'm going for the 5k on the erg tomorrow!

Unfortunately, I think I'm getting sick again. This morning I woke up with a terribly sore throat and a swollen soft palette, which made it difficult to speak/drink/breathe. That's really no fun. I considered not going to the gym, but realized I was perfectly capable of going, just looking for any excuse not to go. It hasn't even been a week and I'm ready to not go because of a little sore throat? That's just not okay! My head is all foggy now and I feel pretty miserable, but I went...and I'm proud of myself for that! Hopefully I'll be feeling better tomorrow instead of worse!

I feel silly saying this, but I'm pretty darn proud of myself. Day 1, I was DYING after that mile on the elliptical, like couldn't breathe, I felt like my heart was going to pound right out of my chest, I decided exercise was going to kill me, DYING. I didn't go back the next day because I was convinced I was still too fat to exercise. I told myself I'd lose some more weight, THEN start to exercise because it would be easier. The next day was my first day with my personal trainer. That's when I told myself that I spent a small fortune on this membership and physical trainer. I wasn't about to let that money go to waste! So, I just did it. Then, I did it again...and again...and again. It's not getting easier, because I'm not allowing it to. It's easier to do today what I did on the first day, but that's why I'm doing more than that. Today I spent OVER AN HOUR on the bikes. Seven minutes the first day nearly killed me and here it is, less than a week later and I'm going over an hour! That's awesome! I can't wait to see my trainer on Friday!

Gym Time!

I met with my personal trainer today! She was very nice. I like her a lot. Today was basically just an introduction, weigh/measure, go over my goals, talk about my limitations (my knee, mainly) and talk about her plans for our next three sessions. Her goal, by the time my sessions are up, is that I will feel comfortable at the gym, know how to use the equipment, and basically have the knowledge I need to succeed. Next Friday is our first "real" personal training session. We're going to work on my core because she feels that is the most important thing to work on. She told me that no matter what I come into the gym to do and no matter how much or how little time I have to work out, she wants me to get at least one rep of core work done each time I am there. So, if I only have 45 minutes, do 40 minutes of cardio and 5 minutes of core. I think I can do that! I told her that I had only been to the gym once since I got my membership. She asked me what I did while I was there and I told her I went on the elliptical. She then asked me how long I spent doing it. "Until I started to sweat and got tired" wasn't the answer she was looking for, apparently. I now have a goal of "Each time you're doing cardio, just do more than you did the day before." I think I can do that! When I went last time, I did a mile on the elliptical. This time, I did 1.37 miles on the elliptical and a mile on the bike. Progress! I should eventually work up to 45 minutes of cardio. I mentioned that I think cardio is boring, so she suggested I do 15 minutes on three different machines (for instance, row, elliptical, step) and that it doesn't have to be 45 minutes straight on one machine, just 45 minutes of cardio with little rest between.  Let me tell you, that's some work! By the time I got off the bike today, I was literally sick to my stomach. I'm SO out of shape! I just have to keep telling myself that this is worth it and that, not only will exercise help me lose weight, but it will keep me from being unhealthy, even if I'm thin. Thin doesn't mean healthy. I was thin in high school, but was eating Burger King everyday! That's not healthy! I want to be healthy.

Yeah, I'll just keep telling myself that!

I'm Kind of a Big Deal

I did something the day before yesterday that I never thought was possible. I lost a total of 100 pounds. ONE HUNDRED POUNDS!!! I'm still in shock. Who does that?!?!?!? If you had told me a year ago that I would be 100 pounds lighter today, I wouldn't have believed you. I would have smiled, said, "Of course I am!" and continued eating my ice cream bar. The funny thing is, I didn't even realize I had lost 100 pounds until the next day. I have been so focused on losing 100 pounds with Isagenix, that I didn't stop to notice that I had actually lost 100 pounds total. I lost 12 pounds before I started Isagenix. That took six months! Those 12 pounds, however, add to my total weight loss and put me at 100 pounds gone FOREVER! I'm still in a bit of disbelief!

I just completed a two day cleanse. That means today is my official weigh day! I was SHOCKED by the number this week. SIX POUNDS! I was watching The Biggest Loser and realized that still, after seven months of being on Isagenix, I'm losing more weight than some of those girls! That's without any exercise added in! Holy Moley! So, now I'm 103 pounds down! *doing a happy dance*

Speaking of exercise, I meet with my personal trainer for the first time today! I'm totally nervous. Sad, right? This morning, as I was getting ready, I put on my sports bra and my workout pants and went to brush my teeth. As I got to the mirror, I had to stop. Who was that person in the mirror? Was that really me? I tend not to really look at myself in the mirror. It's depressing. It has brought me to tears on a number of occasions. This time, it brought me to tears for a completely different reason. I'm a completely different person. I'm doing this. I really am. I looked at myself and no longer saw a fat person that I hate. I no longer saw someone who had given up on herself. I no longer saw someone that disgusted me. I saw the strong, confident person that I never knew was still there. I saw someone who had taken control of her life. I saw someone, that for the first time, I was proud to be. I no longer saw how far I have to go, I saw how far I have come...and that's huge!

Sick and Tired

Not thick and tired, but sick and tired. The sickies have hit my house. It started with my eldest, then moved to a couple of younger kids, then hit me full force. For the past three days, I've been on the couch, unable to do anything. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband and incredible kids, so all of my slack was picked up, and then some! I woke up this morning, finally feeling a bit better, to a clean house, clean dishes, homemade cough syrup, and everything taken care of so I don't have to lift a finger today while I recover. So nice! I picked a good one!

Sadly the only thing I wanted to eat while I was sick was carbs. lol Waffles, toast, plain cookie with honey on it. I wasn't eating much, so I figured I would eat whatever actually sounded good. Yesterday, hotdogs sounded amazing. Ummm...yeah, probably a bad idea. Oh well. The scale certainly showed that it was a bad idea! I gained four pounds yesterday. Yikes! I know you're not supposed to weigh every day, but I do. In fact, I weigh several times a day. I only "count" the weigh in the morning after a two day cleanse, but I like to make sure I'm heading in the right direction.

Today is a cleanse day. I debated whether or not to cleanse. I feel like I should probably be feeding myself to get myself healthy, but I know the Cleanse for Life is also SO good for you. I decided to go for it, and if it seemed like a bad idea part way through, I would stop. So far, so good! I started the morning with an E+ Energy Shot. These are new little energy drinks from Isagenix. They're made from green tea and yerba matte as well as adaptogens and other good for you stuff. They're fine on cleanse days, and the research has shown that people actually lose MORE weight on cleanse days with the E+ Energy Shot than without, so I've decided to give them a try! Honestly, they taste like cough syrup. They're really pretty bad. However, I can drink 2 oz of anything if it will make me feel good and be healthy! I was pleasantly surprised to find that they really work! I have been pretty much dead to the world since Friday evening. This morning, I was feeling a bit better, but still pretty foggy, light headed and dizzy when I stood. I took the E+ Energy shot, and within ten minutes, the fog was gone! I could focus, I wasn't dizzy...I actually felt like I wasn't sick anymore. That probably lasted for about two hours before the fogginess started creeping back in, and now, about 5 hours after taking the shot, I'm not feeling all that awesome, but I still feel better than I did this morning and I have been able to do stuff today without needing a nap, so I'm calling it amazing! I really wasn't expecting it to work. I'm SO glad I was wrong! I'm going to send a few to one of my good friends, who drinks 5 Hour Energy drinks like they're water because she's a 911 dispatcher on the graveyard shift. I'm curious to know how she thinks these compare to the 5 Hour Energy. They are really good for you and have adaptogens, which I thought were really hokey before I started taking the Ionix Supreme, but now am a complete believer! 911 dispatchers can obviously use some stress management in their lives! I hope they work amazingly well for her! I'll let you know what she thinks of them!

Bit the Bullet

I did it! I bit the bullet and joined a gym. I've been saying for years that I was going to do it, but never actually did it. Yesterday, I decided it was time. As of yesterday, I was officially down 85 pounds. Yay! Things are finally headed back in the right direction! So, I gathered up my nerve, went into Crunch Fitness in Rocklin, told the lady at the front desk that I was thinking of joining and asked for a tour. It was amazing how difficult that was for me! My heart was pounding. I don't know why it was such a big deal, but it was really hard for me. I was taken on a tour and decided to join! I signed up for a year in advance and got three personal training sessions. I went with the Peak membership because you need that one to take any classes and I really want to try out the TRX class...eventually. I don't think I'm quite ready for it yet, but it looks really cool! I jokingly told some friends that I was going to do Zumba, which is a huge joke because I have absolutely zero rhythm. Seriously, I consider myself fairly musical. I play several instruments. I sing. Heck, my major in college was music education with a vocal emphasis. Yet, when it comes to moving my body to a beat...I may as well be deaf. I take that back. Deaf people probably dance better than I do because they can feel the beat. I don't even know how to describe it. I'll start "dancing" and I can literally feel that I am totally off beat. I hear the music. I feel the music. My body moves...and it certainly isn't to any beat that is actually playing. It's horrifying! Peak membership also means I get to bring a guest with me any time I go. So, my husband can go with me some days, my mom can go with me, my sister can go with me. I know she loves Zumba! She, somehow, got all of the rhythm in the family. I bet she rocks at Zumba. Not that I really need someone there with me all the time, but it will be nice to have some support. 

I decided to go for the personal training sessions because it's been quite a while since I've been in a gym! I used to work at a 24 Hour Fitness in the childcare area and had a couple of friends who were personal trainers, so they always helped me when I wasn't sure how to use a piece of equipment or if I was using proper form. However, I've since forgotten all of that stuff and want to make sure that I'm doing it right. The lady who gave me a tour is actually a personal trainer and she seemed very nice, so I asked if she would be my trainer. I have two appointments set up with her next week! She said that the first appointment won't count towards the three sessions that I purchased, that it will be more of a "get to know you" meeting, where we'll go over my goals, my limitations, my expectations, etc. She said that in the three actual sessions, she'll take me through all of the machines, show me how to use them, give me tips on proper form, etc. Next Wednesday is the informational meeting, then Friday we start with all of the ab machines. Yikes!

So, wish me luck! I suppose I should buy a pair of tennis shoes. Flip flops aren't quite gym material, right?

Pretty Much Sums it up!

This picture pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now. I want to join a gym. I want to take a spin class. I want to take a kick boxing class. What is keeping me from doing so? It's being the fattest person at the gym. It's the thought that people will look at me and wonder, "What is she doing here?" or "Yeah, I give her two weeks," or "She sounds like a herd of elephants are running on that treadmill!" I am so incredibly self conscious about my body. I can tell myself all I want that no one cares, that no one is looking, that I'm more important to people in my head than I am in real life. I can repeat that over and over again, yet still, I'm horribly self conscious. I'm trying to gather up the nerve to just do it...forget what anyone else thinks. Every journey has to start somewhere, right? I'm already half way to my goal. My journey didn't just start. I should be proud of how far I've come and use that to bolster my self confidence. Screw what anyone else thinks, right?

Still...it's so hard.

Wow...why do I care if it's so hard? Wasn't being 309 pounds hard? Wasn't losing 84 pounds in less than six months hard? Isn't keeping at it and continuing to lose now hard? Doing the easy thing was what got me to where I was in the first place! Doing the easy thing is what kept me from being the mom I needed to be. Doing the easy thing was what was going to kill me at an early age. Forget doing the easy thing...I'm going for the hard!

Why is this so hard?!?!!?!?

I had been SO good. I was losing SO much. It was SO easy. Now, I just can't stop snacking. I just can't stop eating. I just can't start cleansing. I don't know what's going on with me. I just can't get back in the swing of things. Honestly, it was SO easy before, now I'm just not doing it. I keep telling myself, "You just have to do it. It's not that hard. You just have to do it. Eat the good, don't eat the bad. Eat when you're supposed to, don't eat when you're not." How difficult can that be?!?!?!?! For some reason, it's pretty dang hard! I just don't know what to think. I've tried taking it one day at a time. Breakfast shake? Check! Morning snack? Check! Lunch? Check! Ummm, let's have a cookie. CRAP! Hmmmm, Hershey kisses sound good. DANG IT! Dinner shake? CHECK! Yum, dinner smells delicious. WHY DID I EAT THAT?!?!?!? Cheese and crackers sound SO good. PUT IT DOWN!!!! I have the best intentions, but keep eating things I'm not supposed to and eating when I'm not supposed to. Why can't I just say no? It was SO easy before.

Perhaps, I need to go one meal at a time. Every morning I tell myself, "I'm going to eat clean today. NO cheating! I can't remember exactly the last day I actually did it. It was definitely before Christmas. Yes, it's been that long. How hard can this be? Tomorrow I'm going to tell myself, "I'm only having a shake for breakfast. Then, "I'm only having a healthy snack." Then, "I'm having a clean lunch." Maybe day by day is too much.  Maybe I just need to go meal by meal. SOMETHING needs to change because I'm STILL up from before Christmas! This is NOT good!

I'm trying to decide what I really want to do, exercise wise. I LOVE kettlebells, but feel like I need something more. It would probably help if I used them consistently. I'm thinking of joining a gym. I feel like if I actually GO somewhere to work out, I'll be more likely to actually do it. However, I can't honestly tell myself that I'm actually going to go. My arm is getting better, so that's good. Here's a recent picture of it. Fair warning: it's kinda gross. It actually looks considerably better than it did before. Even better, it FEELS considerably better than it did before. I can finally type, carry things that weigh less than a pound, write, and other small things like that. So, that's good!

I'm sure you can see why exercising has been pretty much out of the question this week. It's healing, though, and I'm hoping to be completely healed in a couple of weeks. The stitches will hopefully be coming out on Monday!

Once a month...REALLY?!?!!?

I'm not going to start this post with, "It's been FOREVER since I last posted..." Well, I guess I kinda did, huh? I wish I was better at blogging. I would love to be one of those people that blog regularly and get all kinds of followers or whatnot. You'll have to settle for every once in a while, I guess. lol

So, the holiday season has come and gone. I decided not to worry about my weight over Christmas break. I'm not going to be restricting myself my entire life, so I figured I shouldn't do it right now. lol I had several Christmas dinners, Christmas breakfast, Christmas leftovers, etc. I did gain some weight. It's now the 8th of January and I'm almost back to where I was before Christmas. It took longer than I had hoped to get the Christmas weight off, but it's slowly getting there.

You know how you always want to do something when you know you can't, even if you don't want to when you can? For me, it's exercise. I always "want" to exercise on cleanse days when you're not really supposed to. Well, I had an accident recently that has left my right arm pretty much out of commission, so of course, my mind is screaming, "I would TOTALLY exercise if my arm wasn't hurt!" lol Yet, if my arm wasn't hurt, you know I still wouldn't be exercising! I'm so terrible about that. I did kettlebell routines every other day for like a week...yeah, that means three times. lol I was pretty darn proud of myself. However, right now, if my arm wasn't hurt, I would TOTALLY exercise! ;) Even cardio hurts my arm. I DID try! I got on my elliptical and holding onto the machine and/or pumping my arm hurts. I have been walking a bit, but that's about it.

I do have some BIG news! I signed up for the Isabody Challenge! December 31st was my official start date (I figured lots of people would be entering on the 1st, so I thought I'd be different and start BEFORE the new year. lol I'm down 7 pounds since the 31st, so I think I'm off to a pretty good start (pretty sad that down 7 pounds still doesn't put me back to where I was before Christmas, but whatever. lol) Unfortunately, that meant I had to take ANOTHER picture of myself. I'm not a huge fan of pictures of myself. It did, however, give me the opportunity to compare the new pictures to the older pictures I have of myself. I have to say, I'm pretty darn proud of myself! I'm not going to post the full pictures (because who really wants to see me in a sports bra and shorts? I'll spare you that image burned into your retinas for the rest of your life), but I will post face shots of day one, one month in, and six months in (which was the start of my Isabody Challenge!)  In the last picture, I was going for the "I look sick and sad and tired and fat" before look. I couldn't stop laughing. lol

My goal for the Isabody challenge is 80 pounds. I have six months to do this. I feel it's a VERY lofty goal, seeing as I only lost that much my first six months, but I really AM going to exercise this six months, so hopefully that will help. lol This will put me almost at goal weight and I will hopefully be at goal weight by Celebration in August of 2013!

Holy cow, I can't believe that! Seriously...goal weight?!?!?!? How did I come this far already? How am I going to get this far once again to make it to goal weight? I'm almost half way there. I still have over half way to go. I have all of these thoughts running through my mind. Many are positive. I'm getting better at that. Many are pretty self defeating. However, things are going in the right direction. For the most part, when I think, "I can't do this" thoughts, I can replace them with, "Look at what you've done! You're awesome!" thoughts. lol I'm hoping to get rid of the negative thoughts entirely! :)

Okay, I really need to get my butt in gear and win this thing!