I'm Kind of a Big Deal

I did something the day before yesterday that I never thought was possible. I lost a total of 100 pounds. ONE HUNDRED POUNDS!!! I'm still in shock. Who does that?!?!?!? If you had told me a year ago that I would be 100 pounds lighter today, I wouldn't have believed you. I would have smiled, said, "Of course I am!" and continued eating my ice cream bar. The funny thing is, I didn't even realize I had lost 100 pounds until the next day. I have been so focused on losing 100 pounds with Isagenix, that I didn't stop to notice that I had actually lost 100 pounds total. I lost 12 pounds before I started Isagenix. That took six months! Those 12 pounds, however, add to my total weight loss and put me at 100 pounds gone FOREVER! I'm still in a bit of disbelief!

I just completed a two day cleanse. That means today is my official weigh day! I was SHOCKED by the number this week. SIX POUNDS! I was watching The Biggest Loser and realized that still, after seven months of being on Isagenix, I'm losing more weight than some of those girls! That's without any exercise added in! Holy Moley! So, now I'm 103 pounds down! *doing a happy dance*

Speaking of exercise, I meet with my personal trainer for the first time today! I'm totally nervous. Sad, right? This morning, as I was getting ready, I put on my sports bra and my workout pants and went to brush my teeth. As I got to the mirror, I had to stop. Who was that person in the mirror? Was that really me? I tend not to really look at myself in the mirror. It's depressing. It has brought me to tears on a number of occasions. This time, it brought me to tears for a completely different reason. I'm a completely different person. I'm doing this. I really am. I looked at myself and no longer saw a fat person that I hate. I no longer saw someone who had given up on herself. I no longer saw someone that disgusted me. I saw the strong, confident person that I never knew was still there. I saw someone who had taken control of her life. I saw someone, that for the first time, I was proud to be. I no longer saw how far I have to go, I saw how far I have come...and that's huge!

Sick and Tired

Not thick and tired, but sick and tired. The sickies have hit my house. It started with my eldest, then moved to a couple of younger kids, then hit me full force. For the past three days, I've been on the couch, unable to do anything. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband and incredible kids, so all of my slack was picked up, and then some! I woke up this morning, finally feeling a bit better, to a clean house, clean dishes, homemade cough syrup, and everything taken care of so I don't have to lift a finger today while I recover. So nice! I picked a good one!

Sadly the only thing I wanted to eat while I was sick was carbs. lol Waffles, toast, plain cookie with honey on it. I wasn't eating much, so I figured I would eat whatever actually sounded good. Yesterday, hotdogs sounded amazing. Ummm...yeah, probably a bad idea. Oh well. The scale certainly showed that it was a bad idea! I gained four pounds yesterday. Yikes! I know you're not supposed to weigh every day, but I do. In fact, I weigh several times a day. I only "count" the weigh in the morning after a two day cleanse, but I like to make sure I'm heading in the right direction.

Today is a cleanse day. I debated whether or not to cleanse. I feel like I should probably be feeding myself to get myself healthy, but I know the Cleanse for Life is also SO good for you. I decided to go for it, and if it seemed like a bad idea part way through, I would stop. So far, so good! I started the morning with an E+ Energy Shot. These are new little energy drinks from Isagenix. They're made from green tea and yerba matte as well as adaptogens and other good for you stuff. They're fine on cleanse days, and the research has shown that people actually lose MORE weight on cleanse days with the E+ Energy Shot than without, so I've decided to give them a try! Honestly, they taste like cough syrup. They're really pretty bad. However, I can drink 2 oz of anything if it will make me feel good and be healthy! I was pleasantly surprised to find that they really work! I have been pretty much dead to the world since Friday evening. This morning, I was feeling a bit better, but still pretty foggy, light headed and dizzy when I stood. I took the E+ Energy shot, and within ten minutes, the fog was gone! I could focus, I wasn't dizzy...I actually felt like I wasn't sick anymore. That probably lasted for about two hours before the fogginess started creeping back in, and now, about 5 hours after taking the shot, I'm not feeling all that awesome, but I still feel better than I did this morning and I have been able to do stuff today without needing a nap, so I'm calling it amazing! I really wasn't expecting it to work. I'm SO glad I was wrong! I'm going to send a few to one of my good friends, who drinks 5 Hour Energy drinks like they're water because she's a 911 dispatcher on the graveyard shift. I'm curious to know how she thinks these compare to the 5 Hour Energy. They are really good for you and have adaptogens, which I thought were really hokey before I started taking the Ionix Supreme, but now am a complete believer! 911 dispatchers can obviously use some stress management in their lives! I hope they work amazingly well for her! I'll let you know what she thinks of them!

Bit the Bullet

I did it! I bit the bullet and joined a gym. I've been saying for years that I was going to do it, but never actually did it. Yesterday, I decided it was time. As of yesterday, I was officially down 85 pounds. Yay! Things are finally headed back in the right direction! So, I gathered up my nerve, went into Crunch Fitness in Rocklin, told the lady at the front desk that I was thinking of joining and asked for a tour. It was amazing how difficult that was for me! My heart was pounding. I don't know why it was such a big deal, but it was really hard for me. I was taken on a tour and decided to join! I signed up for a year in advance and got three personal training sessions. I went with the Peak membership because you need that one to take any classes and I really want to try out the TRX class...eventually. I don't think I'm quite ready for it yet, but it looks really cool! I jokingly told some friends that I was going to do Zumba, which is a huge joke because I have absolutely zero rhythm. Seriously, I consider myself fairly musical. I play several instruments. I sing. Heck, my major in college was music education with a vocal emphasis. Yet, when it comes to moving my body to a beat...I may as well be deaf. I take that back. Deaf people probably dance better than I do because they can feel the beat. I don't even know how to describe it. I'll start "dancing" and I can literally feel that I am totally off beat. I hear the music. I feel the music. My body moves...and it certainly isn't to any beat that is actually playing. It's horrifying! Peak membership also means I get to bring a guest with me any time I go. So, my husband can go with me some days, my mom can go with me, my sister can go with me. I know she loves Zumba! She, somehow, got all of the rhythm in the family. I bet she rocks at Zumba. Not that I really need someone there with me all the time, but it will be nice to have some support. 

I decided to go for the personal training sessions because it's been quite a while since I've been in a gym! I used to work at a 24 Hour Fitness in the childcare area and had a couple of friends who were personal trainers, so they always helped me when I wasn't sure how to use a piece of equipment or if I was using proper form. However, I've since forgotten all of that stuff and want to make sure that I'm doing it right. The lady who gave me a tour is actually a personal trainer and she seemed very nice, so I asked if she would be my trainer. I have two appointments set up with her next week! She said that the first appointment won't count towards the three sessions that I purchased, that it will be more of a "get to know you" meeting, where we'll go over my goals, my limitations, my expectations, etc. She said that in the three actual sessions, she'll take me through all of the machines, show me how to use them, give me tips on proper form, etc. Next Wednesday is the informational meeting, then Friday we start with all of the ab machines. Yikes!

So, wish me luck! I suppose I should buy a pair of tennis shoes. Flip flops aren't quite gym material, right?

Pretty Much Sums it up!

This picture pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now. I want to join a gym. I want to take a spin class. I want to take a kick boxing class. What is keeping me from doing so? It's being the fattest person at the gym. It's the thought that people will look at me and wonder, "What is she doing here?" or "Yeah, I give her two weeks," or "She sounds like a herd of elephants are running on that treadmill!" I am so incredibly self conscious about my body. I can tell myself all I want that no one cares, that no one is looking, that I'm more important to people in my head than I am in real life. I can repeat that over and over again, yet still, I'm horribly self conscious. I'm trying to gather up the nerve to just do it...forget what anyone else thinks. Every journey has to start somewhere, right? I'm already half way to my goal. My journey didn't just start. I should be proud of how far I've come and use that to bolster my self confidence. Screw what anyone else thinks, right?

Still...it's so hard.

Wow...why do I care if it's so hard? Wasn't being 309 pounds hard? Wasn't losing 84 pounds in less than six months hard? Isn't keeping at it and continuing to lose now hard? Doing the easy thing was what got me to where I was in the first place! Doing the easy thing is what kept me from being the mom I needed to be. Doing the easy thing was what was going to kill me at an early age. Forget doing the easy thing...I'm going for the hard!

Why is this so hard?!?!!?!?

I had been SO good. I was losing SO much. It was SO easy. Now, I just can't stop snacking. I just can't stop eating. I just can't start cleansing. I don't know what's going on with me. I just can't get back in the swing of things. Honestly, it was SO easy before, now I'm just not doing it. I keep telling myself, "You just have to do it. It's not that hard. You just have to do it. Eat the good, don't eat the bad. Eat when you're supposed to, don't eat when you're not." How difficult can that be?!?!?!?! For some reason, it's pretty dang hard! I just don't know what to think. I've tried taking it one day at a time. Breakfast shake? Check! Morning snack? Check! Lunch? Check! Ummm, let's have a cookie. CRAP! Hmmmm, Hershey kisses sound good. DANG IT! Dinner shake? CHECK! Yum, dinner smells delicious. WHY DID I EAT THAT?!?!?!? Cheese and crackers sound SO good. PUT IT DOWN!!!! I have the best intentions, but keep eating things I'm not supposed to and eating when I'm not supposed to. Why can't I just say no? It was SO easy before.

Perhaps, I need to go one meal at a time. Every morning I tell myself, "I'm going to eat clean today. NO cheating! I can't remember exactly the last day I actually did it. It was definitely before Christmas. Yes, it's been that long. How hard can this be? Tomorrow I'm going to tell myself, "I'm only having a shake for breakfast. Then, "I'm only having a healthy snack." Then, "I'm having a clean lunch." Maybe day by day is too much.  Maybe I just need to go meal by meal. SOMETHING needs to change because I'm STILL up from before Christmas! This is NOT good!

I'm trying to decide what I really want to do, exercise wise. I LOVE kettlebells, but feel like I need something more. It would probably help if I used them consistently. I'm thinking of joining a gym. I feel like if I actually GO somewhere to work out, I'll be more likely to actually do it. However, I can't honestly tell myself that I'm actually going to go. My arm is getting better, so that's good. Here's a recent picture of it. Fair warning: it's kinda gross. It actually looks considerably better than it did before. Even better, it FEELS considerably better than it did before. I can finally type, carry things that weigh less than a pound, write, and other small things like that. So, that's good!

I'm sure you can see why exercising has been pretty much out of the question this week. It's healing, though, and I'm hoping to be completely healed in a couple of weeks. The stitches will hopefully be coming out on Monday!

Once a month...REALLY?!?!!?

I'm not going to start this post with, "It's been FOREVER since I last posted..." Well, I guess I kinda did, huh? I wish I was better at blogging. I would love to be one of those people that blog regularly and get all kinds of followers or whatnot. You'll have to settle for every once in a while, I guess. lol

So, the holiday season has come and gone. I decided not to worry about my weight over Christmas break. I'm not going to be restricting myself my entire life, so I figured I shouldn't do it right now. lol I had several Christmas dinners, Christmas breakfast, Christmas leftovers, etc. I did gain some weight. It's now the 8th of January and I'm almost back to where I was before Christmas. It took longer than I had hoped to get the Christmas weight off, but it's slowly getting there.

You know how you always want to do something when you know you can't, even if you don't want to when you can? For me, it's exercise. I always "want" to exercise on cleanse days when you're not really supposed to. Well, I had an accident recently that has left my right arm pretty much out of commission, so of course, my mind is screaming, "I would TOTALLY exercise if my arm wasn't hurt!" lol Yet, if my arm wasn't hurt, you know I still wouldn't be exercising! I'm so terrible about that. I did kettlebell routines every other day for like a week...yeah, that means three times. lol I was pretty darn proud of myself. However, right now, if my arm wasn't hurt, I would TOTALLY exercise! ;) Even cardio hurts my arm. I DID try! I got on my elliptical and holding onto the machine and/or pumping my arm hurts. I have been walking a bit, but that's about it.

I do have some BIG news! I signed up for the Isabody Challenge! December 31st was my official start date (I figured lots of people would be entering on the 1st, so I thought I'd be different and start BEFORE the new year. lol I'm down 7 pounds since the 31st, so I think I'm off to a pretty good start (pretty sad that down 7 pounds still doesn't put me back to where I was before Christmas, but whatever. lol) Unfortunately, that meant I had to take ANOTHER picture of myself. I'm not a huge fan of pictures of myself. It did, however, give me the opportunity to compare the new pictures to the older pictures I have of myself. I have to say, I'm pretty darn proud of myself! I'm not going to post the full pictures (because who really wants to see me in a sports bra and shorts? I'll spare you that image burned into your retinas for the rest of your life), but I will post face shots of day one, one month in, and six months in (which was the start of my Isabody Challenge!)  In the last picture, I was going for the "I look sick and sad and tired and fat" before look. I couldn't stop laughing. lol

My goal for the Isabody challenge is 80 pounds. I have six months to do this. I feel it's a VERY lofty goal, seeing as I only lost that much my first six months, but I really AM going to exercise this six months, so hopefully that will help. lol This will put me almost at goal weight and I will hopefully be at goal weight by Celebration in August of 2013!

Holy cow, I can't believe that! Seriously...goal weight?!?!?!? How did I come this far already? How am I going to get this far once again to make it to goal weight? I'm almost half way there. I still have over half way to go. I have all of these thoughts running through my mind. Many are positive. I'm getting better at that. Many are pretty self defeating. However, things are going in the right direction. For the most part, when I think, "I can't do this" thoughts, I can replace them with, "Look at what you've done! You're awesome!" thoughts. lol I'm hoping to get rid of the negative thoughts entirely! :)

Okay, I really need to get my butt in gear and win this thing!