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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Holy cow, why has it been so long?

Oh man, I've totally been slacking on this blog! Things are still going really well! The weight loss has slowed, but that's my own fault, as I've been snacking when I shouldn't and just plain eating bad things for me at times. (Dang Halloween candy!) However, I'm still feeling great, sleeping amazingly well and have a ton more energy than ever before!

About a week and a half ago, I spoke at an Isagenix Super Saturday event. I was SO incredibly nervous. I am NOT a public speaker, that's for sure. I get nervous, I start to shake, I speak way too quickly and I forget everything I'm going to say. They say it gets easier the more you do it, but I'm just not one to put myself out there enough to do it enough for it to get easier. lol Still, as part of "finding me," I decided that it was something that I needed to do. So, I did it! It went better than expected, but not as well as I had hoped. I had hoped that I would be calm, confident, and that I would inspire the audience. I believe that I may have accomplished at least one of those. Thankfully, it was the one that I was hoping for the most. I got a really positive response from the audience. Several were in tears. I was told that it was the most moving testimonial they had ever heard. I felt really good about the things that I said and the response that I got. My biggest concern was that I wasn't going to "fit in" with the other amazing speakers of the night. We had some really big names speaking. Michael Clouse, who is an expert network marketer and incredible speaker; Dr. Ted Brooks, who helped design the nine day system and the Isagenix compensation plan; and Craig Coleman, the 2012 Isabody Challenge winner. Those were some pretty big names surrounding little insignificant me, but I think I held my own. :)

From left to right: Amber (my incredible sponsor and the person who put the event together), Michael Clouse, Dr. Ted Brooks, Joyce Brooks, Craig Coleman, Me

I have mixed feelings about this picture. I'm glad it was taken. It was a great event and it was an opportunity for me to get out of my comfort zone and grow as a person. The people in this picture are incredible and I'm so blessed to be associated with them. However, while it should be a visual of how far I have come, all I see in it is how far I have to go. It's hard to be the heaviest person in the room. It's hard to get up there and tell everyone that if they aren't using Isagenix, they should be, because it will help them get healthy, when you're still so fat. It's hard to feel so great about what you have accomplished, then see a picture of yourself, because even after losing 71 pounds (as of that picture), you still look like you're just getting started. Sadly, this picture doesn't make me think, "Wow, I've lost 71 pounds!" Instead it makes me think, "Wow, I still need to lose 90 pounds." It's really overwhelming at times. I should be thinking, "I've done this in four months! Just six more and I could be where I want to be!" Instead I'm thinking, "I still have so far to go. I don't see how this is even possible."

I know I need to change the stories in my head. I need to be more positive. I need to tell myself that I can do anything and that my weight has no power over me. I need to tell myself that I am strong and I am determined and nothing can stop me. I KNOW these things. I just can't feel them right now. I've spent the last 14 years of my life beating myself up over my weight, telling myself that I'm not good enough.

All right, stop the presses! I seriously just had my first "aha!" moment EVER! I don't usually think about what I'm going to type before I type it. I don't usually have a plan of what I want to say. As I type, the words just flow and that is what comes out on this blog. So, I was typing just before this paragraph and typed, "telling myself that people couldn't see passed my weight to the real me, when in reality, I was the one who couldn't see passed my weight to BE the real me." That may seem like an insignificant sentence to you, but it speaks volumes to me. I have blamed my weight for my lack of friends for a very long time. I make great friends online. I always assumed that was because they can't see me...that they aren't so turned off by my weight that  they are able to talk to me without being distracted by the fact that I'm so big. However, if I think about it, I'm very different online than I am in person. It's not because I'm fake online, it's because I can be ME, without feeling like anyone is judging me based on my weight. I can be funny, I can be witty, I can be open, I can be ME! When I talk to people face to face, I'm so convinced that no one wants to be friends with the fat girl that I become shy, introverted and don't look people in the eye. When people talk to me, I answer with short sentences, hoping they'll stop talking to me. THAT'S why I have no friends. It isn't because I'm fat, it's because I'm so convinced that everyone else won't like me that I don't even bother to try. I'm so convinced that no one really wants to be around me that I actively push people away. I've let my size become a reason to squash my personality. Wow. Talk about a wake up call. I think 14 years of self programming is going to be pretty difficult to overcome, but I will definitely try!

Okay, so I think I'm going to end this post and marinate on my last thought for a while. It's kind of a big deal. I'M kind of a big deal. ;)

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