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Wednesday, May 28, 2014

I'm sure you can figure out how THAT went!

So, based on the lack of posts for what..over a year? I'm guessing that you can figure out how my thirty day no cheat challenge went. It turned into a one year cheat, which wasn't a challenge at all, unfortunately. Blech.

Things have been crazy lately! I just completely my first year of college. This is a huge accomplishment for me! I got kicked out of college after one semester right out of high school and never went back. I opted instead to start a family, support my husband through his degree and just live the life of a stay at home mom.  The plan has always been for me to go back to school, but it just never seemed like the "right time." I decided that it was going to be like having children. If you wait for the "right time" it will never happen. So, I bit the bullet and enrolled. It certainly wasn't the right time, but we made it work. Thankfully, I have a very supportive family and the children understood that I couldn't make it to their activities and that they needed to help around the house quite a bit more. We all made it through the first year and we are all VERY glad I've decided to take the summer off! I am now half way through my AA in Deaf Studies.

School was VERY stressful. I attended classes five days a week, four of which were night classes. Food wise, it was really difficult. At the beginning of the year, I was really good about starting something in the crock pot in the morning so the kids had food while I was gone and so Drake and I had food when we got home. Towards the end of the year, there was a lot more picking up fast food or pizza on the way home from school and just trying to get them fed before they went to bed. I need to be MUCH better next year about planning a menu and sticking to it. Fast food is easier, but health wise, I know my family has suffered. Diet wise, it was TERRIBLE. I would spend all day doing homework, taking care of the kids, etc., then by the time class rolled around, I was BEAT. I would realize I hadn't really eaten anything all day and I would be dragging. So, many nights I started class with an energy drink and whatever snacks I grabbed out of the vending machine. Not good for my wallet or my health!

So, weight wise, I've really suffered. I gained back a good deal of the weight I had lost. Energy wise, I have suffered. I'm tired ALL the time. Mental health wise, I have suffered. I'm really unhappy with what I have done to myself. I need to find a way to balance my school life, my home life and my health. So far, I'm failing miserably.

To say that I've been going through some personal issues lately would be putting it lightly. As an emotional eater, I've really struggled. When I feel the time is right, I'll go into more detail, but for now I'll just say that my world feels as though it is spinning out of control. I've decided that I'm going to take control of what I have the ability to control and that is my weight and my thinking.

I know how to lose weight. I've done it before. I know how powerful I felt when I had that control. I know how fulfilling it was to be doing something for myself. I know how amazing I feel when I'm eating right, cleansing regularly and working out regularly. I allowed myself to go back to where I was before. No more. I'm taking control.

I know how amazing it feels to be self confident. I know how powerful it feels to be self assured and worry only about how you feel about yourself and not to allow self doubt cloud your view of yourself and life. I've allowed a multitude of negative thoughts to enter my mind. I've allowed myself to think that I'm not good enough, that I'm not funny enough, that I'm not skinny enough, that I'm not pretty enough. I've allowed all of this self doubt and self hatred to control my thoughts and therefore my actions and personality. No more I'm taking control.

The world lost an amazing woman today and it is through her words that I am drawing my strength today:

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